Krunkest
People enjoy beer for lots of reasons. Some are fans of its propensity to bloat and cause torrential urination. Many relish the pungent farts that follow an aggressive IPA. But did you know a less celebrated side-effect of beer drinking is intoxication? It's true!
Rather than focus on worthless dimensions like taste, these breweries embraced the desire to drag your sobriety into a dark alley and give it a lead pipe massage.
Old Horizontal Barley Wine - This image of a slumbering moon is strangely endearing for something as potent as a barley wine:
....until you realize it's in a fucking coma.
Cold Cock Winter Porter - I'll award it +5 points for the witty placement of "cold cock" on a winter beer. -4 points for not having the courage to put a chill-shrunken penis on the label.
La Fin Du Monde - You might think a beer that translates to "The End of the World" wouldn't be able to back up such a bold claim. In truth, the beer isn't that strong. But the brewers do assasinate all those who drink it.
Tripel Vision - A tripel is a belgian classification for the strongest ale they make. It is also referred to as a "superbier", if that helps add some color. In short, consider yourself lucky you don't go blind.
McQuire's I'll Have What The Gentleman On The Floor Is Having Barley Wine - McQuire's secret ingredient? Love. (Just kidding. It's Rohypnol).
Ruination IPA - This is supposed to be a reference to the toll it takes on your sobriety, but it's really a warning about how the hop profile of this beer will rape your palatte with a rake.
THE WINNER: DUIPA
Playing on driving under the influence isn't the classiest thing in the world, but it's certainly more PC than their last version of the label:
Most Mysogynistic
Beer, for all of its richness and complexity, isn't really seen as a sophisticated beverage in most circles. If only more abusive drunks chose to get tore up on champagne rather than Pabst Blue Ribbon, it might improve its reputation a bit.
"You know how he gets if his Dom isn't chilled to 46°F precisely!"
The fact is that beer is the gatorade of wife beaters, a tradition that these microbrews happily support.
Mad Bitch - You can tell the brewer was actually somewhat gentlemanly, since they chose to focus on the bitch's instability rather than just being fugly. That's class.
Palimony Bitter - This is the beer of choice in the Maury green room.
Alimony Ale - If you pay special attention to the aromatics in this brew, you'll catch hints of citrus and shattered dreams.
THE WINNER: Polygamy Porter
I think the label says it all quite succinctly:
Most Bravado
Not all beers are created equal. Some are content to hint at their superiority with subtle descriptions of exotic hops and robust flavor. These prefer to don their letterman jacket, hoist up lesser beers by their tighty-whiteys and hurl them into the recycling bin.
Skull Splitter - This beer is so metal that it not only has an axe-wielding viking on the label, but it actually tastes like umlauts.
Skull Splitter - It's Nordic For Hangöver
Arrogant Bastard Ale - No matter how many times your tongue gets mistreated by this beer, it will always come back for more. This speaks to how tasty it is and how abysmal your tongue's self-esteem is.
Old Viscosity Ale - You know a stout isn't fucking around when it uses 10-30W motor oil as a standard of comparison.
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